I’m tired of being me. I don’t change, in a perpetual state of constancy. I want to be done with this, with this chapter of my life. I want to move forward. This came down harder than I ever expected it to, and it couldn’t have had worse timing. Right before summer, and I’m still stuck at home. Granted, I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to hang out with me, but it still sucks.
I don’t really know what I hoped to accomplish by doing what I did. I really really don’t. I knew it was a bad idea and it would pretty much confirm what I thought. The pain, it’s unreal, it’s really really bad. It hurts, and I don’t see a relief, I don’t see it going the fuck away!! This is pissing me off now, I don’t know what to do about myself. I just don’t know anymore. I really just need to fucking leave it feels like, go away and forget about everyone. It feels like I’m alone, which I hate. This is so frustrating, I just hope that something good comes out of what I did. Maybe I’ll be able to embrace it and feel significantly better? Probably not, I don’t even know what to do about anything anymore. This is really aggravating. Why do I feel this way? Rather why do I have to be an emotional teenager whose hormones are fucking crazy. I hate all of this, I need to find some kind of release… I need to talk to someone I trust, and be completely open and honest with them about this whole situation, and they need to be someone who understands and can help me. ): FML this really sucks, I hate being me strictly because of how I am as a person. I don’t hate my life, I just hate me. Fuck me. Fuck my self pity. I don’t deserve any response to this, yet I so want one. I hate me for being this way, why can’t I break myself of this, I’m such a weak individual. Fuck.
Nah it’s not a poem.
I just hate the thought that a few of my absolute closest friends will be gone after summer ends. It really is upsetting, they are my band mates for those of you that read this. They are some of the only people that make it very obvious that they care, and even if I haven’t shown any sign of being upset, they just know whether I am or not, and they care about me. I really hate how they aren’t going to be around. Luckily I’ll be in another band next year, I don’t think I could have made it through this year without them (not an exaggeration). Whenever I was unhappy, I could depend on them to cheer me up at practice, and as of late I’ve been hanging out with them a whole lot more than I ever did before. I’m even more upset at the fact that it took this long for me to be able to hang out with them this much. There isn’t much to do about that except be over in New Port Richy(sp?) as much as possible this summer. Well that’s that. Just the end of summer this year is going to be more depressing than normal ):